F*** Chicken Noodle! Badass Slow Cooker Mushroom Soup

Happy Sunday, B-Loungers!

Have you ever been filled with resolve to start something rigorous and new, only to find yourself sick as a dog the day you planned to begin?  That was me this week.  I’ve been toying with the idea of rollerblading to work (because rollerblading is kickass! Exhibit A:)


Anyway, I’ve been toying with the idea of rollerblading to work, and I wanted to try doing it this weekend to hammer out the logistics (how long it will take, how many homeless people I’ll run over, etc.).  Alas, I awoke Wednesday morning with a nasty cold and headache and haven’t yet been able to shake it.  Curse you, viral scum!

So instead of my epic plans to be the coolest 21st-century/’90’s hybrid, I went on Pinterest and found a badass slow cooker mushroom soup recipe, because mushroom soup is dank as hell.  And what’s better than slow cooker soup in the rain?


A thrilling game of MUUURDEEERR!


I began my culinary journey by busting out my mise en place, preheating my oven to 400 degrees, and getting to work lubing my shrooms with light in flavor olive oil.  I threw that business on a cookie sheet and stuck it in the oven.



Then, it was time to watch Gordon Ramsay’s How to Chop an Onion video a few times and attempt to replicate his flawless technique.  The video claims you won’t get teary with this method, but the tears were streaming out of my eyes faster than a trophy wife’s watching her afternoon soaps.  I grabbed several tissues, fearful I’d set one down and forget which side I was holding and get onion juice in my eyes.



After my hackjob, I tossed my onion into a heating pan of BUTTER.

Mmm… buuuutteeeerr…

I caramelized that shit, threw in two minced garlic cloves, and the place was smelling like heaven.

Something I altered in the recipe was the thyme.  Instead of tossing it in with the garlic and onions, I kept it on its stems and just put it in the crockpot.  I was lazy and didn’t want to rip the herbaceous goodness limb from limb.  Result: Still awesome.

Then I added the two tablespoons of flour to my onions and garlic, which for me was the strangest instruction.  It worked out fine, but I’ve never added flour to ingredients that were being sautéed before.  So that was fun.  Cooked that for two more minutes.

By that time, my shrooms were ready to emerge from the oven, and what a sight for sore, puffy onion eyes they were:


I put my onion and garlic mix, mushrooms, chicken broth, white wine, and thyme into the crockpot and set that mess on high, because it was 4PM by that point and I had grossly underestimated how long the prep was going to take. Also, I didn’t read the directions ahead of time.  Whoops.


Getting a good camera angle on your crock pot is f***ing hard!  I almost dropped my phone in the soup trying, so I called it quits and just went with the image above.


Then the Waiting Game began.

4PM: Play Sims 4.  Sim gets married and pregnant.

5PM:  Check the soup. Looking good.

5:05: Read a few chapters of The Eye of the World. Shit goes down.

6:00: Check the soup. Starting to smell fantastic.

6:05: Play more Sims 4.  Sim has baby.  Name it Brett.

7:00: Check the soup.  Smells f***ing amazing.

7:05: Start an episode of Little Witch Academia.  Fantasizing about that delicious soup in the other room.

7:12: Hands start to shake.  Visions of mushrooms dance in my head.

7:23:  F*** it!  I gotta have soup now!  Put in the heavy cream and brie and let it work.

7:45: Eat the shit out of the soup.

How was it?  Fantastic!  Behold:


The only things I’d do differently are cook the mushrooms longer and chop them a bit finer.  Otherwise, this recipe is fuggin’ gold!  

Again, the recipe I used can be found here.  If you give it a try let me know how it went!  I’d love to hear from you.

‘Till next time, my friends! I hope you have a wonderful week.  Stay hydrated!

One thought on “F*** Chicken Noodle! Badass Slow Cooker Mushroom Soup

  1. Oh, THANK YOU, Claire, for the Sunday laughs!!! You are truly the most talented writer! Keep doing it for those of us who need some laughter and a different angle on the world in our lives!!

    Liked by 1 person

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