A Controversy

(Two scantily-clad men are at a secluded, grungy bar in the south of Wales, seated in a dark corner. Each has a beer.)

A: I can’t believe that just came out of your mouth! That’s absolutely ridiculous!

B: What? It’s not like you haven’t done anything like that before.

A: Are you delusional? I’ve never even considered doing anything remotely like that!

B: What about that time in Bristol?

A: That was completely different! I was young, and desperate times called for desperate measures. Doing anything of that sort now would only lead to trouble.

B: Trouble? The closest thing to trouble that we found in Bristol was the old gypsy, and even she wasn’t that bad!

A: Easy for you to say! You didn’t wake up with her beside you, snuggling up in your blankets and attempting to flog your dolphin!

(B chortles)

A: It is not a laughing matter! I still have nightmares of that wrinkly wench! Her floppy tits sagging… Eah! No! It’s out of the question!

B: Oh, come on! What were the chances of that? She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and you settled it the only way you could… (Snorts trying to hold back his laughter)

A: It’s NOT funny!

B: I know. I’m sorry — Completely out of line. Forgive me. (Tries really hard not to smile)

A: (ignores B) And she wasn’t the worst of our troubles! Have you forgotten the kangaroo?

B: Bonkers? Are you kidding? He was the best thing that ever happened to us!

A: You’re mad! And I suppose that the high speed chase against the clown car and getting sent to the hospital by the bearded lady was your idea of tea and crumpets?

B: Well, we did technically steal the star of the show.

A: No, you stole the star of the show. In case you’re twisted sense of reality has failed you, which, no doubt, it has, I was busy with the true purpose of that mission: Getting our hands on the jewels of the Princess. It was you who thought that the kangaroo needed saving.

B: And if my twisted sense of reality has not failed me, which, no doubt, it hasn’t, I believe it was you who thought that that lovely young acrobat needed (gestures quotes) “saving” too.

A: She had cuts everywhere! How was I supposed to know she was the lion tamer’s lover? She looked like she was being abused!

B: And I’m sure you took the time to ask her how it was she came across her wounds.

A: Like she would have told me the truth! People that are being abused hardly ever reveal the reality of the situation. They’ll say they tripped, or they ran into that guy’s fist…

B: Yeah, like you ran into Bonkers’. (Tries hard not to laugh)

A: He was a champion boxer! I swear that roo could’ve been the next Ali. I mean, I’m a pretty accomplished fighter, but –

B: Please! Ogling Kelsie Daniels on “Pump, Jump, and Jab” does not make you an accomplished fighter.

A: But I –

B: Nor does taking down Buzz in the 5th grade.

(A is silent)

A: In any case, it’s out of the question. I refuse to pick up that old life again. I have an honest job, a lovely wife…

B: (Chuckles) Really? Delivering Rodney’s Pizza and being married to a horse is good enough for you, then?

A: Yes! Yes it is! And Gertrude is not a horse! She’s a wonderful woman with a great personality!

B: Whatever you say… (Mutters, “That’s what they all say about the ugly ones…” before he puts the beer to his mouth.)

A: What did you say?!

B: (finishes pull from drink) Nothing! We’re getting off-topic. Don’t you still dream of the jewels, man? We were this close to getting them, but that damn bearded lady…

A: You just had to take the roo with, didn’t you? If you hadn’t done that, we’d be millionaires right now! Sitting on our yachts with our martinis and beautiful women…

B: I won’t make that mistake again. See? Even you still dream about them. You could dump the pizza joint, dump the old broad –

A: She is not an old broad!

B: (ignores A) And we could be living the high life. Come on, man! What’s stopping you?!

A: My conscience, that’s what!

B: And when, might I ask, did you pick up one of those?

A: When I realized I was going to be a father.

B: Oh, don’t pull that paternal malarkey on me! It’s all the more reason for you to want to be wealthy! Don’t you want to provide for that child as best you can?

A: I’d rather set a good example and show him that hard work pays off.

B: Yeah, at $7.50 an hour.

A: I don’t care what you say. Mock me all you want, but I refuse to become a petty thief again. I gladly shoved those days straight to hell!

B: I’ll convince you soon enough. Before long you’ll realize that you need to do this, whether you want to or not.

A: Yeah, yeah… Whatever you say…

(Scene fades to black)


© 2017 Claire Fiori


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